Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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