your parents love me but you hate me
My friends, they love my intelligence
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
