honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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