Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
