I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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