if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
FUCK WHALES
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
