I haven't been this sober since birth.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize