Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
that is very illegal...i love you.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
