Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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