Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
