she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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