I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
