just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Found your dick twin last night
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
