I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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