Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
