ya dads aren't the best wingmen
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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