theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
