Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
