Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
