Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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