Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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