she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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