My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
