Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
