what day is it and did you see me today?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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