Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm getting married
To pizza
The adults are the big ones right?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
