Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The beer is more important than you right now.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
