She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize