i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
