I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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