We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
