my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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