cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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