Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
