Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
