I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
