Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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