i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
