just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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