Umm I'm too high to move.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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