So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
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