Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
