I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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