I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Welp...herpes.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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