between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
