I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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