please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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