you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
