remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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