normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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