We named our party play list daddy issues
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
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Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
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Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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