Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
