What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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