I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
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I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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