Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
