I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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