you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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